100 Funny One-Liners
1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
11 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
12 War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
13 If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
14 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
17 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
18 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
19 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
20 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
21 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
22 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
23 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
24 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
28 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
30 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
32 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
33 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
34 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
37 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
38 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
40 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
41 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
43 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
45 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
46 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
47 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
49 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
50 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
51 The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
52 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
53 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
54 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
55 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
56 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
57 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
58 It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
59 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
60 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
61 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
62 Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
63 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
64 A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
65 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
66 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
67 Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
68 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
69 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
70 You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
71 I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
72 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
73 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
74 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
75 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
76 There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
77 I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
78 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
79 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
80 I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
81 If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
82 I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
83 When in doubt, mumble.
84 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
85 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
86 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
87 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
88 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
89 Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
90 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
91 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
92 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
93 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
94 Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
95 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
96 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
97 If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
98 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
99 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
100 Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
I’m not good, I’m just OK..
Hear my thoughts and not my words. See my pain and not my anger, Feel my sorrow, and my longing..hear my heart, hear it screaming.. I wish i’d feel better but i’m just OK..
There are times when i feel like complaining but i couldn’t, because i’m scared that it might lead to an argument. At times i wanted to say NO, but for the sake of your happiness, i’d always smile and say YES.. There are times when you have stories that i’m totally not into; but all the same, I listen. I smile. Because I know you, and I know what will make you happy. All these years I’ve tried so hard; if not perfect, to be the best girl and best friend that you can ever ask for. Despite all my efforts, I failed-I lost.
I am weak. I’m not strong enough to stop this from crumbling… I wasn’t strong enough to keep you.. Now i have to let you go..hoping that I’ll find my way back to where my happiness is.. and wishing all that’s best for you.. You’ll forever be here, tattooed in my soul.
7 Phenomenal Wonders of the Natural World
Sharing this …from http://webecoist.com/
The classical natural wonders are huge and hard to miss – vast canyons, giant mountains and the like. Many of the most fantastic natural phenomena, however, are also least easy to spot. Some are incredibly rare while others are located in hard-to-reach parts of the planet. From moving rocks to mammatus clouds and red tides to fire rainbows, here are seven of the most spectacular phenomenal wonders of the natural world.
1) Sailing Stones
(Images via: f8BeThere and Ian Parker)
The mysterious moving stones of the packed-mud desert of Death Valley have been a center of scientific controversy for decades. Rocks weighing up to hundreds of pounds have been known to move up to hundreds of yards at a time. Some scientists have proposed that a combination of strong winds and surface ice account for these movements. However, this theory does not explain evidence of different rocks starting side by side and moving at different rates and in disparate directions. Moreover, the physics calculations do not fully support this theory as wind speeds of hundreds of miles per hour would be needed to move some of the stones.
2) Columnar Basalt
(Images via: Centripetalnotion, Habitas and Strahlen)
When a thick lava flow cools it contracts vertically but cracks perpendicular to its directional flow with remarkable geometric regularity – in most cases forming a regular grid of remarkable hexagonal extrusions that almost appear to be made by man. One of the most famous such examples is the Giant’s Causeway on the coast of Ireland (shown above) though the largest and most widely recognized would be Devil’s Tower in Wyoming. Basalt also forms different but equally fascinating ways when eruptions are exposed to air or water.
3) Blue Holes
(Images via: AEAdvisor, BelizeDiving and ScienceRay)
Blue holes are giant and sudden drops in underwater elevation that get their name from the dark and foreboding blue tone they exhibit when viewed from above in relationship to surrounding waters. They can be hundreds of feet deep and while divers are able to explore some of them they are largely devoid of oxygen that would support sea life due to poor water circulation – leaving them eerily empty. Some blue holes, however, contain ancient fossil remains that have been discovered, preserved in their depths.
4) Red Tides
(Images via: Carleton, CleanWaterNetwork and UMN)
Red tides are also known as algal blooms – sudden influxes of massive amounts of colored single-cell algae that can convert entire areas of an ocean or beach into a blood red color. While some of these can be relatively harmless, others can be harbingers of deadly toxins that cause the deaths of fish, birds and marine mammals. In some cases, even humans have been harmed by red tides though no human exposure are known to have been fatal. While they can be fatal, the constituent phytoplankton in ride tides are not harmful in small numbers.
5) Ice Circles
(Images via Panoramio, CrystalLinks, CropCircleAnswers and DailyMail)
While many see these apparently perfect ice circles as worthy of conspiracy theorizing, scientists generally accept that they are formed by eddies in the water that spin a sizable piece of ice in a circular motion. As a result of this rotation, other pieces of ice and flotsam wear relatively evenly at the edges of the ice until it slowly forms into an essentially ideal circle. Ice circles have been seen with diameters of over 500 feet and can also at times be found in clusters and groups at different sizes as shown above.
6) Mammatus Clouds
(Images via: John Olson and the DNR)
True to their ominous appearance, mammatus clouds are often harbingers of a coming storm or other extreme weather system. Typically composed primarily of ice, they can extend for hundreds of miles in each direction and individual formations can remain visibly static for ten to fifteen minutes at a time. While they may appear foreboding they are merely the messengers – appearing around, before or even after severe weather.
7) Fire Rainbows
(Images via: Lisa Andriani-Gonnelli, Unwired and UMN)
A circumhorizontal fire rainbow arc occurs at a rare confluence of right time and right place for the sun and certain clouds. Crystals within the clouds refract light into the various visible waves of the spectrum but only if they are arrayed correctly relative to the ground below. Due to the rarity with which all of these events happen in conjunction with one another, there are relatively few remarkable photos of this phenomena.
Cloudy Stomach
Woke up this morning and didn’t get to eat breakfast properly when i got invited by Edward to watch this movie he downloaded from the net. This movie was so last year and i never really heard of it until now. So on with it.. i was actually uninterested.. though it looked really boring and childish i couldn’t do anything but to pretend that i liked it.. but indeed it’s one heck of a movie! I adore the writers Phillip Lord and Chris Miller for their ingenuity and extraordinary talent in writing this plot.. Water turns into food through microwave radiation, and when the machine was accidentally launched into space, moisture from the clouds turned food precipitate..brilliant! my imagination ( and my stomach ) was asking for more as the sky was filled with burgers, steak, ice cream.. donuts…almost everything that could satisfy your taste buds.. It seems like you just can’t enough.. but not just that.. there’s a lot to learn from it.. so if you haven’t seen it yet, well do so! It’s a good watch. 
Devotion and Passion
Lenten Season, according to the Catholic Church, is the time to reflect
and repent; a time for prayer and penitence as a way of commemorating and honoring the Passions of our beloved Christ. The Catholic church’s advice for this event, is a retreat, so that one may fully reflect on the works and words of God. But many of us believe that actual repentance is only achieved only if we too feel the Pain that Jesus Christ has suffered before his death.
Celebration of Lent here in the Philippines has also somehow become an attraction to the world more than serving its real purpose of spreading the word of God. There is still the traditional “Pabasa” or “Pasyon” where the people of a community, particularly the elders, sing the Passions of Christ. While some sing, others act it out as well. Aside from the usual parade of the images of
saints who were part of this biblical masterpiece, there are also people who parade barefoot on the streets while scourging themselves with ropes or bamboo sticks; their faces covered in masks and heads adorned with crown of thorns. The main event perhaps, would be the bravest who would volunteer for a yearly crucifixion for everyone to see. This is what i do not understand, on why people believe that their sins would be cleansed if they do such. But it’s a tradition that would sure go on and on from generation to generation and will forever be part of the Philippines rich culture and history.
Don’t be deceived
Pretending to know how it is to be poor is indeed the best way to get everyone’s sympathy and win the presidential race for 2010.
While there are candidates who use “Galing at Talino” “Lalaban tayo” and “Pinaplano nyo pa lang, Nagawa ko na sa Makati” to present themselves to this striving nation, they all seem to have been floored by the Orange Villain flagging “Sipag at Tyaga” to win this race. Villar seems to be taking advantage of the ignorance that shadows majority of the Philippine population by making them believe that he knows how to address poverty because he had a method to lift up their own.
This sure tells us that we should choose our leaders not according to the stories they tell to lift up their popularity but with the solid facts that reality shows us. Vote wisely and take responsibility.
the sudden turn…
I have always been curious about this “blog” stuff, primarily inspired by my wickedly smart and talented jack-of-all-language-related- trades friend Engr. Gerald dela Cruz who has always seen light in my talent for writing, though i am very unsure how he judges my work ( guessing that his judgment was influenced by friendship ) and how he always sees positive in the world of writing. And now i actually realized that i could vent out my thoughts in here… now i find it very relaxing and a nice way to share your thoughts and learn from others as well. I’m still having a hard time navigating thru wordpress but i’m definitely going to learn this, with the help of my jack-of-all-language-related- trades friend.
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”"
…but is this always the case? Does love really conquer all odds.. Does one need to endure the pain the other half is causing him taking love into primary consideration? When do we consider sorry as unspoken words of understanding.. and when do we say ‘enough’… when do we give ‘giving up’ a chance?
Recent Comments